Surviving anywhere

This afternoon I was at the Duderstadt Center (formerly the Media Union) on North Campus of the University and decided to head off a case of the sleepies with a double espresso from Mujo Cafe, the cutely and cleverly named coffee stand just inside the foyer. Waiting for my doppio, I found myself staring blankly at the condiment packets stacked neatly into the slotted case before me:

Salt. Pepper. Soy sauce. (They sell sushi as well.)

My doppio appeared, and I took it and turned around to the second condiment stand behind me:

Sugar, Sweet'N Low, Splenda. Little plastic shakers with cinnamon and cocoa powders. Two tall metal canisters: one with half-and-half, the other with skim.

And then I had a thought -- one that's fine to discuss on a blog but perhaps not at parties:

Could a person survive on condiments alone?

Let's not even talk about palatability. But just by the sheer numbers, could a person get by on calories from a condiment stand? The scene from the Tom Hanks' movie The Terminal comes to mind, the one where he makes ketchup-mustard-and-Saltine sandwiches.

Some wasted time later, I'd tracked down the nutritional information for several condiments, packet-sized. Here are their caloric values along with fat-carb-protein breakdowns:

Ketchup: 10 [0-3-0]
Mustard: 5 [0-1-0]
Mayonnaise: 90 [9-1-0]
Light mayonnaise: 40 [4-1-0]
Sugar: 15 [0-4-0]

And if you happen to have access to more exotic condiments:

Coffee creamer: 20 [2-0-0]
Honey: 50 [0-11-0]
Barbecue sauce: 50 [0-11-0]

Finally, if you're at a place that sells soup or coffee:

Saltines: 30 [1-4-0]
Milk (skim, 8 oz.): 80 [0-12-8]
Milk (whole, 8 oz.): 150 [8-11-8]
Half-and-half (8 oz.): 315 [28-10-7]

[Sources: Chick-fil-A website, McDonald's website, Calorie King website]

To get 2000 calories it's clear you could eat a combination of foods. I'd personally go with a cup of half-and-half sweetened with two packets of honey, five times a day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling sick just thinking about it.