Punk'd, geek edition

At 10:50 this past Monday morning, I was sitting on a concrete bench just inside Sather Gate on the campus of UC Berkeley. The sun was out, the weather cool, and crowds of fresh-faced students filed past me on this, the first day of classes of the 06-07 school year and the last day of a weekend trip I'd made out to San Francisco to visit friends. Most of my friends were at work, the exception being RMK, a grad student at Berkeley who, like myself, could afford to dally over a long breakfast. After breakfast, as we rode the bus into Berkeley, he asked, What are you going to do today? I replied, I'm thinking of attending a class, just for the hell of it. I considered the chances of getting caught and added, Probably a large lecture class.

And then something bizarre happened. The wheels started turning, and a prank, not at all something I would normally do, breached the fog in my head.

I turned to Ryan and said, I think I should sit there and say, "[Sigh] Looks like this class is just going to be review for me!"

Ryan picked up on the idea immediately and took it one step further: I think you should say, "I hope they don't grade on a curve, because I think we should all get As!"

Yes! and I shot back: How about, "I'm glad I read the textbook over the summer"?

By then I was convinced we had gold on our hands: crash a freshman class, make a series of obnoxious comments while posing as students, and mess with the impressionable young minds. Maybe it'd even be good for them, the naive little buggers, but at the least, it'd be funny for us, the old jaded been-arounds.

By the time the bus pulled up to Sather Gate, we'd worked out all the details. RMK informed me classes started at ten after the hour. He wasn't sure where the freshman lecture rooms were, but he was sure there was at least one in the Life Sciences building if I could find it. I was convinced I could pass as a student as long as no one took attendance. (People routinely remark I don't look thirty.) It'd be important to find a large lecture room where I could blend in, though. I asked RMK if he wanted to come along, but he said he had to get to his office. I promised to update him at the first opportunity.

As I sat there inside Sather Gate at ten till eleven, I looked for a good mark. A girl came by and asked some students seated next to me on the bench, Do you guys know where the Life Sciences building is? A boy held up his arm and said, Straight that way. That was good -- he just did a double-check for me on where to go. I considered following that girl, but she looked a bit too street smart for me, her navigational cluelessness aside. I'd wait for another mark. It wasn't long until I saw her: a short demure Asian girl in a slightly not-this-year dress clutching a tote bag with a flower on it. Perfect, I thought.

I got up to follow her, and as luck would have it, she walked in the direction of the Life Sciences building. When we got there, students were streaming out of the building. I looked at my watch: 11:00 a.m. Maybe I was too early? I thought. On second thought, couldn't hurt. When the stream became a trickle, I mounted the stairs to doors which opened to a short hallway and behind another set of doors, a large lecture room. It easily sat hundreds, downward sloping rows kowtowing to the rostrum in the middle. Perfect, I thought again.

I looked for my mark. She'd taken a seat three-in from the aisle, about halfway to the front of the room. I went down and sat in the aisle seat in her row, one seat away from her. What the hell class was this, anyway? I looked at the board. Genetics terms were written on the sliding chalkboards, but that no doubt belonged to the last class. Anxious students chattered around me, and I stopped to listen. One of them asked his neighbor, What classes are you taking? His neighbor answered, Well, this one and... [indecipherable]. I thought, Dammit. Useless!

But now was no time to sweat the ignorance. I had to exude confidence. I am the alpha. I am the alpha. I repeated this mantra to myself and sat up straight. Suddenly a tall Asian boy poked into my view from the aisle and asked, Is this Sociology 1? I looked up at the board -- something besides genetics was now written there -- and answered, That's what the board says. Okay thanks, he said and sprinted off.

Sociology? Merde! I can't show off in sociology! I cursed myself that I hadn't gotten here an hour earlier when the subject had been genetics, something I actually knew something about and a class that would have no doubt been full of freshmen premeds, marks extraodinaire.

Hey, do you know where the other Life Sciences building is? a voice asked from behind and to the right. It was my tall Asian friend again. He'd stepped inside the room, two degrees more flustered than before. I said, Sorry, I don't know. And it was the truth. He sprinted off again.

Now I was a bit satisfied with myself. I knew I looked at least confident enough to ask for directions. I looked like I knew where things were, like I was Berkeley student. But despite my outer confidence, I was still nervous inside. What if the professor took attendance? What if there were GSAs checking the roster?

I looked behind me, saw there were open seats yet still left, and got up. I said goodbye to my first mark and ascended the steps, spying a aisle seat second row from the back. Right next to the exit, I thought. This way I could sprint if I needed to. Always have an exit vector, a voice inside me warned. Clearly I'd seen too many spy movies.

As I sat there, I lamented the loss of my first mark, even I was felt good about being able to escape if I came close to being exposed. But, as it happened, Providence came through for me. Three minutes before class was to start, another voice came from the aisle: Is that seat taken? I looked, and it was another Asian girl, this one pointing to the seat next to me. Nope, I said. She stepped over me and sat down, got out a notebook, and started fidgeting with the desk attached to her chair as if she'd never worked one before. Perfect.

[More to come....]